Dirty Limericks Based on Washington State Town Names

Bothell

2009-04-15T17:35:00.000-07:00

A lazy young hooker from Bothell
Never worked very hard in her brothel.
Said the priest of her sin,
"Oh, hell, where to begin?
If the lust doesn't damn her, the sloth'll."

Bothell, WA (pop. 30,150 in 2000) sits northeast of Seattle in King and Snohomish counties along the Sammamish river (Wikipedia). It was named after David C. Bothell, who owned a shingle mill and platted the town in 1888 (Phillips). In the first half of the twentieth century, Bothell relied on timber and other goods traveling past on the Sammamish for its industry, but after World War II the town became a suburban bedroom community of Seattle (Wikipedia).

Aberdeen

2009-04-12T23:55:00.001-07:00

or, I Offer Practical Suggestions for Sustainability

Some scientists in Aberdeen
Are trying to make sex more green.
They've hooked fornicators
Up to generators.
It's dirty; the energy's clean.

Aberdeen, WA (pop. 16,461 in 2000) sits on the western edge of the Olympic Peninsula between the Chehalis and Wishkah rivers (Wikipedia). Founded in 1884, it was named after the local Aberdeen Packing Co., which was in turn named after Aberdeen, Scotland, then famous for its fisheries (Phillips). The owner of Aberdeen Packing Co., B.A. Seaborg, also argued for the name because it meant "the meeting of two rivers" in Gaelic (ibid). In the early 20th century, Aberdeen was a very rough port town, full of abductions, robbery and murder. Perhaps its best known criminal was Billy Gohl, the local agent for the Sailors' Union, who is believed to have dumped over forty bodies in Grays Harbor (Billy Gohl of Grays Harbor).

These days, Aberdeen is known largely as the hometown of legendary Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain. Cobain's experience in Aberdeen was largely one of homelessness and vandalism (Walking Tour of Kurt Cobain's Aberdeen) and he described the town as "like Twin Peaks without the excitement" (Seven Ages of Rock). This has not stopped the city from adding "Come As You Are" to the "Welcome to Aberdeen" sign in honor of Nirvana's hit song (Picture!) and forming the Kurt Cobain Memorial Committee, dedicated to honoring Cobain's memory within the limits of Aberdeen through a proposed Kurt Cobain Park and Kurt Cobain Youth Center (Kurt Cobain Memorial Committee).

Port Orchard

2009-03-25T15:58:00.000-07:00

I know a young man from Port Orchard,
Who likes being tied up and tortured.
But the neighbors complain
Of the whips and the chain
That they, while they sat on their porch, heard.

Port Orchard (pop. 7693 in 2000) is the seat of Kitsap County on the western edge of the Olympic Peninsula, 13 miles west of Seattle (Wikipedia. The town was named after the inlet Port Orchard, named by Vancouver in 1792 after H.M. Orchard, who discovered the inlet (Phillips).

Centralia

2009-03-23T17:51:00.000-07:00

A young botanist from Centralia
Decided to fuck an azalea,
But quickly he came in
Its pistil and stamen
(FYI, that's a flower's genitalia).

Centralia, WA (pop. 14,742 in 2000) is located on I-5 in Lewis County in southwestern Washington, approximately 25 miles south of Olympia (Wikipedia). Its founder was a man named George Washington, born in 1817, the son of a slave and a white serving girl (Phillips). In 1850, Washington moved west in an attempt to avoid the laws that discriminated against him (HistoryLink). Even so, he was not legally able to stake a claim in the site that would be Centralia, as it was illegal for African Americans to settle property in the Oregon Territory, which at the time included all of Washington (ibid). He was forced to have the white couple who had raised him file for him, and was only able to claim ownership four years later when the Washington Territory had been created (ibid). In 1875, George Washington and his new wife Mary Jane Washington officially founded the town, which they called Centerville (ibid). Its name was later changed to Centralia in order to avoid confusion with another town in Washington named Centerville (Phillips).

On November 11th, 1919, on the first anniversary of the end of World War One and therefore the first Armistice Day, a violent conflict occurred between members of the Legionnaires and the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW or Wobblies) that would come to be known as the Centralia Massacre. For years tensions had been mounting between the IWW and the conservative citizens of Centralia, who viewed the IWW as subversive and unpatriotic. After being the subject of much harassment and several violent attacks, the IWW was certain that the Armistice Day parade would be used as an opportunity to raid their hall. Therefore, the Wobblies consulted a sympathetic lawyer, who told them they would legally be allowed to defend themselves if they were attacked. They therefore decided to arm themselves with concealed guns. When members of the Centralia Legionnaires forced their way into the Wobblies' hall, a gunfight ensued that left three Legionnaires dead. One member of the IWW, Wesley Everest, was cornered by several Legionnaires while attempting an escape . When one held a gun to him and demanded his surrender, Everest shot and killed him. Everest was captured and thrown in jail. That night, a group came to the jail and demanded the keys to all the cells. They took Everest to a nearby bridge, where he was hanged, shot and left. Most other Wobblies who had been present at the incident were convicted of 2nd degree murder and sentenced to 25-40 years in prison. Washington quickly made membership in the IWW illegal and the Centralia Massacre helped fuel the rising Red Scare of the 1920s (all from The Centralia Massacre).

On a lighter note, Centralia is home to two restaurants that are very near and dear to my heart. The first is the historic Olympic Club. Founded in 1908 as a "gentlemen's resort" full of drinking and gambling, it transitioned seamlessly to speakeasy during the Prohibition years. The Oly Club is now owned by the McMenamins chain, which has maintained much of the original furnishing. In addition to its bar and restaurant, it contains a movie theater and concert venue, and the upstairs acts as a cheap and pleasant European style hotel. The other restaurant is the northernmost location of the Burgerville fast food franchise. This Oregon and Washington chain is devoted to sustainable, local and delicious food and whenever I'm traveling up or down I-5, I try to take advantage of my last or first opportunity to eat there.

Castle Rock

2009-03-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

or, Why, Yes, So You Think You Can Dance IS one of my Favorite TV Shows

A street dancer from Castle Rock
Has mastered the cock pop-and-lock.
He's worked to perfect it,
But if you don't expect it,
The cock pop-and-lock's quite a shock.

Castle Rock (pop. 2,130 in 2000) is a town in southwestern Washington, approximately 60 miles north of Portland, OR (Wikipedia). The town is named after a local 190 foot volcanic rock formation which resembles a castle (Phillips). The city's motto is "The Gateway to Mt. St. Helens", due to its proximity to the mountain (Washington Sec. of State Homepage). At one time Castle Rock had a thriving sawmill and timber industry, but today it is primarily a bedroom community (ibid).

Housekeeping: Apologies

2009-03-09T17:40:00.000-07:00

Due to hectic work schedule and several illnesses, I have let updating this blog fall by the wayside. No more! I shall resume posting dirty limericks based on Washington State town names on Friday with a bold skewering of the small town of Castle Rock!

Wenatchee

2009-02-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

or, I Try my Hand at Product Placement

There once was a gal from Wenatchee
Whose snatch was so dry it was scratchy.
To improve lubrication
(And enjoy the sensation)
She purchased a wand from Hitachi.

Wenatchee (pop. 27,856 in 2000) sits at the meeting of the Wenatchee and Columbia Rivers in Central Washington (Wikipedia). It is perhaps best known for its many apple orchards, producing apples enjoyed around the world (ibid). The city's name comes from the Wenatchee tribe who inhabited the area, whose name in turn means "great opening in the mountains", referring to the Tumwater Canyon where the Wenatchee River pushes through the Cascade Mountains (Brokenshire).

Tenino

2009-02-16T18:31:00.000-08:00

A young zoophile from Tenino
When accused by the zoos there would cry "No!
The zebra's eighteen,
I asked the wolverine,
And I never looked at that rhino!"

Tenino, WA (pop. 1,447 in 2000) is a small town southeast of Olympia (Wikipedia). In its first years as a settlement, it served primarily as a stop on the railroad, but from the late 1880s to about 1920 its primary industry came from sandstone quarrying (Tenino History by Dwelley). Today, the town acts largely as a bedroom community for larger cities such as Olympia and Tacoma (Wikipedia). Local folklore has it that the town's name comes from Ten-Nine-Oh, claimed to be either the local railroad station number or the number of a train that regularly came through, but the name Tenino actually derives from the Chinook word for "fork", in reference to a fork in an old trail near the town (Washington State Place Names).

Sequim

2009-02-11T09:52:00.000-08:00

or, Yes, That "E" Really is Silent

A very cool hipster from Sequim
Never had a sincere bone in him.
He'd ironically fuck
And sarcastically suck;
It was all tongue-in-cheek when he'd rim.

Sequim, WA (pop. 5951) sits on the northern coast of the Olympic Peninsula. Unlike most of the area, Sequim receives very little rainfall, approximately 16 inches a year (Weather Information from Sequim's Tourism Site), and quite a bit of sunlight, due to it's position in the rain shadow of the Olympics (Sequim Wikipedia). For this reason, it is prime lavender growing country, and claims to be the "lavender capital of North America". Sequim hosts an annual Lavender Festival. The town's name comes from the native word "such-e-kwai-ing", which means "quiet water" (Washington State Place Names).

Ryderwood

2009-02-08T23:20:00.000-08:00

or, I Have a Sneaking Suspicion This One is Funnier as a Simple "But I Just Met Her!" Joke

A nervous young tranny from Ryderwood
Tried hard as she could do to hide her wood,
'Til one man started begging
For a natural pegging,
And now all day long he will ride her wood.

Ryderwood, WA, was founded in 1923 as a logging camp by the Long-Bell Lumber Company (Time Magazine's "Old Folks at Home", 05/04/1953). it was named after Long-Bell's woods superintendent, William Ryder (Washington State Place Names), and was notable for providing housing not only for loggers, but for their families as well (Time). In 1952, as the logging industry fell apart, the town was bought by the Los Angeles based Senior Estates, Inc., which converted the town into a retirement community (ibid). Today, the town has a population of roughly 300 (Cowlitz County Towns).

Cowiche

2009-02-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

or, This is What I'm Talking About with the Ridiculous Town Names
or, This is in the First Person but it's not Autobiographical Learn to Separate the Narrator from the Poet this is Lyric Poetry After All Come on People

After sex with a lass from Cowiche
My crotch has become rather itchy.
And now it's all scabby.
I've gotten quite crabby,
So I'm sorry if I have been bitchy.

Cowiche, WA is an unincorporated agricultural town near Yakima in central Washington (Wikipedia). It's name comes from the Native word for "foot log", after a creek bridge nearby (Washington State Place Names).

Kent

2009-02-04T21:22:00.000-08:00

A charming young fellow from Kent
Has a cock that is wonderfully bent.
For g-spot stimulation
Accept no imitation--
Take only the dick with the dent.

Kent, WA, pop. approx. 83,501 in 2006 (Wikipedia), is an outlying suburb southeast of Seattle. "Kent" may seem like a boring name, especially in comparison to the settlement's original name of "Titusville", but it was an attempt to link the town's then-booming hop growing industry to the hop center of England (thanks again to Washington State Place Names).

Tacoma

2009-02-04T21:03:00.000-08:00

or, An Old Rhyme Re-envisioned

I once knew a lass from Tacoma
Whose twat had a wondrous aroma.
When the lads took a whiff
About half would get stiff.
The rest would fall into a coma.

Tacoma, WA, with a population of almost 200,000, is the third largest city in the state (gathered from Wikipedia). It sits on the beautiful Puget Sound, along the slightly-less-beautiful I-5. For many years, it was famed for its distinctive smell, the "Tacoma aroma" which I have here reworked into a pussy joke. Tacoma is also home to the University of Puget Sound, a college to which I applied but did not attend. Tacoma's name comes from a Native American name for Mt. Rainier (gathered from my beloved Washington State Place Names by James W. Phillips).